I wished I was writing about how amazing my life has been. About how I found the love of my life last year, I got engaged and we signed our marriage. But life has been very bittersweet. Very recently I found my dad has pancreatic cancer and it’s possible it has spread to his liver. Smoking and drinking has been part of his life, probably since he was 14 years old.
seeing my parents smoking
Throughout my life I nagged my parents so much about smoking and drinking. I never understood why would my parents willingly spend money on things that are scientifically proven to have such adverse effects on their health. Why would they spend money buying packs of cigarettes instead of saving for a family vacation, for example. Their argument was always that “smoking is our only pleasure”, the only thing we like to do and have the freedom to afford it. I always tried to convince them there are so many other ways of finding small pleasures in life.
teenage/young smoking and peer pressure
As I grew up I found myself experimenting some of their pleasures such as smoking, drinking alcohol and coffee. All these things I once had found disgusting and unhealthy, at some point in my life I considered more acceptable, socially inclusive, and actually not so bad. What could a few cigarettes here and there do? If my parents and other relatives, as many other people I met have been smokers and drinkers all their lives and they are fine, smoking here and there won’t kill me.
I never really got a real smoking addiction. I would smoke socially to start, with a few friends at school, at specific occasions such as dinners, parties, school breaks. Then I would spend long periods of time feeling sick just from the smell of cigarettes. Then, one random day, I would see someone smoking next to me and would crave whatever feeling they were experiencing and feel entitled to experiment again. Only to realise that after half a cigarette I really didn’t like the taste of it. Sometimes I just enjoyed holding it, just expiring the smoke, and feel a bit high on nicotine, if that makes sense.
Such a critic of smoking but also such a hypocrite.
dating a smoker
A few years ago I started dating a guy who was a smoker. I don’t think it bothered me to start because I wasn’t really into this person from the get-go. It was just a date. But a date turned into other dates, and despite not having the greatest chemistry with this person or having serious feelings of love, at some point this person seemed to tick a lot of boxes but also didn’t tick a lot of other boxes.
One of the things that started annoying me when I saw the potential of having this person as a life partner was “he is a smoker”. I told him how it bothered me and I couldn’t understand how he was fit, going to the gym every single morning and caring so much for his physique and then being a smoker. It just doesn’t match, I said to him. Also, the smell, and the breath of cigarettes, I found it more and more disgusting.
He changed from the traditional cigarettes to this device called iQos. I thought that was it, now the smell wouldn’t bother me anymore and I would feel more attraction for him. But it still bothered me. For some reason I couldn’t stop but thinking that I would have to live with the smell of some kind of cigarettes (even though in another form) for the rest of my life. Plus, I started genuinely caring for his health. Even though I was never deeply in love with this man, I still cared for his wellbeing and overall health, and the thought of seeing him in a few years sick with cancer or some other smoking related disease was frightening.
I can’t exactly remember what I said or if I said something directly or indirectly, but one day he stopped smoking. I really didn’t think it would last, but one week became one month, and one month turned into many months, and then suddenly more than one year had passed without him touching a cigarette. I was so glad for him, and maybe for me. Selfishly thinking, among the so many question marks I had in my head this one less thing to consider, one less fault in him.
vaping is less smelly/annoying
Eventually, I realised my feelings for him just weren’t strong enough. The reason why I couldn’t figure out if he was the one for me, the “love of my life”, was simply the fact that he wasn’t. It wasn’t the clothes he would wear, it was not that he liked going to the gym too much or that he liked to smoke. We just weren’t a match for each other or he didn’t fill my cup.
Fast forwarding a couple years in my life to now, I ended up marrying a smoker/vaper. When I started dating my husband I really didn’t care to bother myself with changing anything about him. I just thought if I like this person it has to be the way I meet him and I refuse to try to change him like I did with my ex before him. So I didn’t, in fact I actually joined him in his vaping addiction, regretfully so. For a while, I would just vape when I was with him. Then I started buying a vape here and there. I would still find it ridiculous to spend money on something like that, but I did. I bought vapes, my friend bought me vapes and I would use it everyday. At some point, not having a vape or not vaping was making me irritable. Other times I would stop, only to start again when I was spending more time with my husband.
It’s not that I didn’t care about his health or mine anymore, I just tried to believe that whatever is in the vape can’t be as bad as a “normal” cigarette. Plus, I had told myself that I didn’t want to fight him because of his addiction. I just love him the way he is and have to accept him and his life choices. Loosing the love of my life because he likes to vape doesn’t seem reasonable when you know from experience love and a love like this can’t be found just around the corner. Also, a vape can have a very pleasant taste and smell.
wake-up call
Before writing this post I went to the shopping mall, came back home frustrated with the cost of things and with the fact that everything is so futile. A lipstick costing USD 55 sounds obscene and disgusted me. I came home thinking about how ridiculous it is and how frustrated I am because I can’t make myself feel pleasure buying these futilities.
When I arrived home I decided to give my dad a call. He recently found out he has cancer in his pancreas and liver, and things don’t seem to be getting better. Every time I speak with him he complains of having more pain and not being able to make it go away with painkillers. He is turning 60 years old this year but in my mind he always looked fairly young, he was always such a hard working person. Indeed, apart from smoking every day and drinking he never really did anything out of ordinary. His whole life was spent working to live and living to work, in order to guarantee that our family would have a good life, a house, education, food on the table. I can’t remember my parents ever not working. Sometimes they even worked during holidays, or had more than one job at the same time, somehow they found the time.
It really makes me so sad and upset seeing that after so many years of nagging my dad about smoking and drinking, after so many years of often working relentlessly he might be taken away from this terrible disease.
If you are struggling with addiction, in particular smoking, and you want to stop, please reach out for help.
Several reputable websites offer free resources, tools, and support to help overcome smoking addiction, including personalized quit plans, apps, and counseling. smokefree+2
Top U.S.-Focused Sites
Smokefree.gov provides tailored resources like quit plans, text support, and an app for women, veterans, teens, and more. smokefree+1
The American Lung Association’s Freedom From Smoking program delivers structured online and phone coaching with proven effectiveness. lung+1
CDC’s Tips From Former Smokers shares real stories, withdrawal tips, and links to quitlines like 1-800-QUIT-NOW. cdc+1
International Options
NHS Better Health (UK) offers a free Quit Smoking app, personal quit plans, and progress tracking.[nhs]
Quit.org.au (Australia) provides expert tips, hotlines, and support for both smoking and vaping.[quit.org]
Truth Initiative’s BecomeAnEX offers a free online program with community forums and nicotine addiction tools. truthinitiative+1
Additional Quitlines and Apps
Call 1-800-QUIT-NOW for free, confidential coaching available in multiple languages.cdc+1
Apps like quitSTART and NHS Quit Smoking track savings, cravings, and milestones to boost success rates. cdc+1
Nicotine Anonymous Meetings
Nicotine Anonymous adapts AA’s 12 steps for nicotine addiction recovery, with regular Zoom meetings worldwide.
Meetings focus on spiritual growth, sharing experiences, and daily step practice to achieve abstinence.
Check nicotine-anonymous.org for live schedules, phone bridges, and international options open to all. nicotine-anonymous.org